It's your fault!!!

Whose fault? My fault!!! About what? Everything.

Lately, I have been perturbed by multiple facets going on in my life. I am a critical person who has a particular way of doing things. Some might say I am opinionated, while at the same time say that I fail to communicate my beliefs openly, or at all. Justifiably, due to my introverted status, communication is not my strong suit. When I add my genetic makeup with my education, or lack thereof, I try not to spout off until I have had adequate time to think and reflect on a subject. This comes from the belief, and empirical evidence, that I am not always right. All that being said, sometimes the pressure builds and I cannot contain myself. As I have seen in my marriage, the mixture of who I am has enough dunamis (potentiality and actuality) for mischief in turbulent waters.

The mischief and trouble that I get myself into is a result of who I am. My failure to share my beliefs, positions, and speak up leads to resentment. Why? It’s because all too often the less educated, more verbal, more judgmental, and extroverted people don’t shut up (and their positions are not in line with mine ;)) The resentment comes from my own rationalization by telling myself, “it really isn’t that important anyway.” But it is!!! Why? Because I am a competitive person and every position, belief, or stance is really a competition which makes it important…TO ME!

Now when a topic arises that I know a little bit about, or that I feel passionately about, vomit comes out. My need to take a stand, mixed with my resentment from not sharing my beliefs, positions, or frustrations leads to a tsunami affect. Ergo, I sound like a nut job. Needless to say, this is not the way I want to act or be perceived.

In light of my realized problem, I have been trying to speak my mind a little more in order to release some of the pressure that builds from holding everything in. Some might think that this release valve has been helpful. Wrong! I keep getting in the way. My critical characteristics take over and I end up tearing down, being destructive, or sounding like someone who just needs to be right. In essence I fail to see the conversation as communication. It isn’t about being right and wrong (although I still like to think it is).

I have realized that my intention in faith settings is to sharing my positions, ideas, and thoughts ultimately to bring restoration in orthodoxy and orthopraxy to the community. I believe Jesus is onto something when he states blessed are the peacemakers. Blessed are those who show mercy, bringing grace, while attempting to bring reconciliation, and deliverance from those positions that are in contrast to my own (okay I had to throw that last part in).

All this to say that before I do what I want to do right now I need to ask how my intentions are going to correspond with bring peace, mercy, love, and restoration to the situation.

Now that I am thinking about this blog, I believe it would go great with Rachel Evens “Unity” theme for the last week. I am assuming it would because I have not had time to read any of the posts.